Star-complexed

Candaba to see ‘Coco-Daniel’ tandem in 2016 elections

I had to do a double-take on Sun-Star Pampanga’s headline last Tuesday.

First persons that came to mind were Coco Austin, rapper-actor Ice-T’s bootylicious wife once arrested on a Florida beach for wearing a string bikini that left nothing to the imagination, and Daniel Craig, aka Bond, James Bond.

But reason dictated there was just no way for Hollywood going the route of avian migration to the wetlands of Pampanga.

On to the story then:    

CANDABA -- Mayor Rene Maglanque disclosed recently that his running mate for the 2016 polls is Councilor Michael Sagum.

"Inilalapit ko na po sa inyo ang gusto kong maging katulong sa mga darating ko pang proyekto para sa inyo, ang ‘Daniel Padilla’ ng ating munisipyo, Michael Sagum," said Maglanque, who uses the moniker "Coco Martin," in a recent event held here...

Ah, the reference pala is to the current matinee idols of local cinema. Okay. Let Maglanque indulge himself with his fantasies. No matter how freakingly wild.

But come to think of it, what’s in Candaba that makes its politicos arrogate to themselves screen monikers? No matter the littlest likeness the former have with the latter, indeed, the absolute absence of any resemblance between them.

If Maglanque is Coco Martin, then I am John Lennon – at least for the likeness of our steel-rimmed round eyeglasses. Maybe, even Russell Crowe as long-haired journalist Cal McAffrey in the political thriller State of Play.

The cineaste Ashley Manabat conceded though that Maglanque is a doppelganger to another Martin of old Tagalog movies – Marfil, the SkyFlakes-faced punching bag of FPJ and Erap in their heydays. 

Yes, Candaba mayors hold this distinction of impounding the names of famous actors as aliases in electoral campaigns.

Before “Coco” Maglanque, there was the loquacious John Lloyd – after Angelica Panganiban’s beau – in former Mayor Jerry Pelayo.

“John Lloyd is coming.” Many a tarpaulin announced all over Pampanga’s 4^th District in the 2013 election campaign. The electorate’s disappointment in seeing the balding Pelayo instead of the Biogesic-pushing Cruz, amply compensated though by the then House-seeker’s wit, his strong stage presence, and – not the least – the raffle prizes attendant to his sorties.  

“John Lloyd” was enough for Pelayo to win – in only one of the eight municipalities in the 4^th District. Not in his hometown at that, but in tiny Sto. Tomas.

The charisma of the reel John Lloyd failing to rub off on the real Jerry Pelayo, most evidently there.

To be imbued with the charisma oozing from those names in lights is the irresistible drive of local politicians who append these monikers to their persons. Believing their potency in getting the vote.

Which sadly is not the usual case.

The only politician in Pampanga I know who has parlayed the screen name to a series of poll victories is Marino “Boking” Morales, forever mayor of Mabalacat, starting with a 3^rd class-town now transformed into a bustling component city.  

Boking showbizzed himself as “Gabby Concepcion” after his first attempt at the mayorship miserably failed in 1992, despite the support of President Cory Aquino as well as rival presidential bets Fidel Ramos and Ramon Mitra, despite an enormous war chest, despite the INC bloc vote.

In 1995, the electorate took to Boking as Gabby, easily finding similarities in their being “pogi” with a string of lovelies, past and present, for trophies: as in Sharon, Grace and Jenny, for the latter…I invoke my right to be silent for the former.

It helped too that Boking as Gabby made the complete contrast, aye, the perfect protagonist, to his aesthetically-challenged perennial antagonist. Yes, he who never retreated from nor surrendered to Boking unto his death.

Yeah, it helps to be handsome to win elections. It is ridiculous though to tack a handsome name to an unhandsome face. I am not implying anything on “Coco” Maglanque here.

But even the iconic “face only his mother could love” can – and does – win elections too. No, I do not reference the BS in Malacanang here. Rather, I speak of the now dearly lamented Tirso G. Lacanilao, three term undefeated mayor of Apalit.

Tirso amassed immeasurable political stock out of ridiculing his self-professed, publicly-acknowledged ugliness. In his first run for the mayorship in 1998, his posters were defaced by his rivals with “PANGIT” in bold red/black scrawls. That inspired him to overhaul his campaign strategy with his unhandsomeness as core issue.

His spiels at the hustings:

Sinasabi po ng aking mga kalaban na ako ay mukhang kabayo. Mga sinungaling po ang mga iyan. Kayo na ang mismong nakakakita, hindi ako mukhang kabayo, ako ay mukhang tsonggo.” (My rivals say I look like a horse. They are liars. As you can well see, I don’t look like a horse. I look like a monkey)
Matatapang po ang aking mga kalaban at sila ay inyong kinatatakutan. Ako po ay hindi natatakot sa kanila, sa katunayan sila ay aking hinahamon. Kung talagang sila’y matatapang, sige nga magpalit kami ng mukha.” (People are terrified of my rivals, but I am not. If they are really that fearsome, I challenge them – to trade their faces with mine.)
“Ako po si Tirso G. Lacanilao. Ang ibig pong sabihin ng G ay guwapo. Ang spelling po nito ay g-a-g-o.” (I am Tirso G. Lacanilao. G stands for handsome. It is spelled stupid.)
“Y Tirso mayap ya, maganaka ya pa, andiyang matsura ya.” (To the tune of rap: Tirso is good, he is kind, even if ugly.)       

He never tasted defeat in Apalit.

But then there’s only one Tirso. Now there’s Maglanque assuming unto his person Coco.

Is it me, or did I hear someone whisper “Loco”?